There is just something about him. Whether it’s his androgynous manner, the unitard, his severe manorexia or the KKK hat, I just don’t trust the Elf on the Shelf.

Certain the thing is going to stab me one night as I sleep, I’ve delayed unearthing the little guy from our storage unit for what I am sure would be another year of “Why didn’t he move again?” wakings.

I’ve considered using it as a punishment and replying to my children with a “Probably because of something you did” response.

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I’ve run out of crazy ideas for the mischievous sprite and am sitting this year out. Go murder someone else’s family, little delinquint imp!


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