There is just something about him. Whether it’s his androgynous manner, the unitard, his severe manorexia or the KKK hat, I just don’t trust the Elf on the Shelf.

Certain the thing is going to stab me one night as I sleep, I’ve delayed unearthing the little guy from our storage unit for what I am sure would be another year of “Why didn’t he move again?” wakings.

I’ve considered using it as a punishment and replying to my children with a “Probably because of something you did” response.

I’ve run out of crazy ideas for the mischievous sprite and am sitting this year out. Go murder someone else’s family, little delinquint imp!